Johnny

I don't think I should apologize anymore, but I appreciate the sentiment.

When you understand what I'm talking about... it's really gonna hurt.

Next time you decide to be an adult, change your mind.

If that's what you really want... leave me out.

Next time you don't want a Christmas present be a little more diplomatic.

If that's what you call a friend I'd rather be an enemy.

Do you think it would have been better if we had never met?

Even if you say that you'd rather not know me, I think it's better that we did.

Went down to Clear Lake yesterday to discuss issues with some storm chasers and property managers. The was no power in the town, nor any open restaurants and almost everyone had one to four 5 gallon gas containers. Thank god Austin is 200 miles away from the coast. At any rate it is amazing the sheer volume of money being laid down there and how fast it is getting sucked up. As much as I abhore the life style of the storm chaser I totally understand the desire to make a lot of money very quickly.

In the past when I'd come back from these journeys I would have to go out and grab a drink when I got home. I'm not quite sure whats has changed, maybe its the overall stress maybe its the social thing... who knows. At any rate, I went to bed around 10pm out of sheer exhaustion. Well, of course, because not everyone knows about my little vanishing act I start getting calls almost as soon as I hit the pillow to go out. The last one comes in around 2:20am as a text message from a number I don't even know.

oh, never mind, this is silly.

The financial crisis has me rather irritated. The bankruptcy of Lehman's and the bailout of AIG because of the bankruptcy of Lehmans? This is getting crazy. I'm no socialist but this failure of risky security trades was predicted almost ten years ago with ardent warnings of the dangers of unbridled Capitalism. Have we learned nothing? What's the worst that can happy? A new depression, and that is not fear-mongering. How about we try the novel approach of backing our investments with actual deposits, as the Asian markes learned to do after the 90's bust. I'm just saying...

I've been listening to Clint Mansell and Nico Muhly quite a bit over the past few days. Their music evokes deep feelings of loss which begs the question what did I lose? Is it love, pride, self respect, purpose or something deeper. As far back as I can remember I've felt this loss. As I became an adult I found art that helped me articulate these feelings of loss such as Mansell and Muhly. I feel cheapened whenever I share art I really love with others, invariably people call it too academic or theoretical. What does this mean about me? Is my soul too academic, too clincal? Is the alienation of my childhood really effecting me this much? Has it broken my ability to forge real relationships? I do sometimes feel that the relationships I have with people are simulations, very highly detailed but still simulations. I guess I bought too much into the idea of the Simulacrum, that the simulation can be more the real than the actual.

I used to be angry at the world for cheating me out of real relationships with people. As I grew older I started making fun of the world, it was more effective than being angry. Time passed and I have now come to the conclusion that I wasn't cheated out of anything. Hardly anyone I know has what I want. Not even the richest, most powerful people in the world have what I want. I'm begining to wonder if this is some kind of "holy grail"?

Over this period of starvation certain things have been made clear. Namely that what I search for I have possesed for moments in the past. The inherent nature of what I want is ephemeral and that should teach me something. The journey of life is filled with great sadness yet it is this road we must take to attain the most precious of all things: eternal joy, grace and love. I have possed love, joy and grace at differnt times to varying and lesser degrees but each time my hunger for it grows. Looking into the eyes of the person you love, feeling the pain of a friend in need, growing a garden, feeding the hungry, feeling totally helpless and knowing there are billions of people feeling the same way are all doorways to grace. I'm going to stop worrying about the things I have no control over and concentrate on the things in my life where I can affect positive change.

Nico Muhly
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=44950656

Clint Mansell
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=29604174

"It is the tragedy of human endeavour that it works so often unseen and unguessed."

- Saki (H. H. Munroe)

Just because things go unsaid does not give you license to ignore them.

Somethings with great importance cannot be said due to circumstance, both internal and external.

Love is not easy, its something we all work for our entire lives.

http://www.towleroad.com/2008/08/michael-cause-t.html

UK teen Michael Causer has died after a homophobic attack by three other youths on a quiet cul-de-sac in late July. Causer survived for eight days before dying in the hospital:

"Eighteen-year-old Michael Causer’s family were at his bedside when he died at Walton neurology centre on Saturday. He was being treated for serious injuries suffered in the attack in Tarbock Road, Huyton, at 11am on Friday, July 25. Michael was found by paramedics lying still in a pool of blood. He was taken to Whiston hospital where, last weekend, doctors performed emergency surgery in an attempt to stem the swelling on his brain. Two men James O’Connor 19, of Reeds Road and Gavin Alker 19, of Woolfall Crescent, both Huyton, have alread appeared in court and been bailed on charges of assault with the intent to cause grievous bodily harm. The ECHO understands police will be looking to upgrade the charge to murder. A third man, Christopher Douglas, 19, of Page Moss Avenue, Huyton, has also appeared before Knowsley magistrates charged with witness intimidation in connection with the attack."

A vigil in the teen's honor is being planned: "A march along Tarbock Road has been suggested in a fortnight, once the local authorities have been informed. The city council’s first openly gay councillor, Steve Radford, said the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Forum will discuss the idea at the Quaker Meeting House this Wednesday. Meanwhile, gay clubs in Liverpool played Michael’s favourite song on Saturday night and read messages of condolence to his family."

A Facebook page has also been set up in Causer's memory.

 I'm sure anyone that reads this journal must imagine my quite silly, still, I am going to post a quote that has been with me for almost ten years.

"A hunchback with withered legs was playing crude bamboo panpipes, a mournful Oriental music with the sadness of high mountains. In deep sadness there is no place for sentimentality. It is as final as the mountains: a fact. There it is. When you realize it, you cannot complain."

William S. Burroughs - Queer

This has been an interesting year so far. My ego has taken a beating, but that was the goal. My only regret so far is that I have yet to engage the war. Whose war was it exactly? I can't remember anymore. I think it was important.

It's the oddest thing, it seems that my immature interpretation was closer to the mark than I thought. People still need to love, hate, be and ultimately, do. Now that I am no longer sick I feel an urge to shout. I feel the urge to let people know whats wrong. A revolutionary was never a title I wished for, that was for others better suited to the task. Recently, however, I recognize the fact that this is the only chance I get. The only opportunity I possess to make things better.

To wit, I say the following:

            Know that Love is not easy, it is the most difficult thing a Human Being can ever accomplish. Love is that by which destroying you gives you more than you are. Suffering seasons the soul yet do not let suffering make a stone of the heart. We in the post modern world believe that our suffering is a myth, a fantasy, something that must be fixed. The Universe disagrees, it says that such things must come to pass. If they did not come to pass then we would not exist. There is nothing new under the sun, there is only what has been felt before. It is my hope that we, as people, can come to a new understanding of relation. We need, we must, come to a place where our selfishness is obviously an illusion. Only then can we really know what love ultimately means.

---

This is the eye of the storm

Its what men is stained rain coats play for

but in here its pure, yeah

This

is the end of the line

I've seen this story line

played out so many times before...

--This is Hard Core - Pulp--

"... But what starts with desire can turn into need, the chest gets all tight like its got some disease. What burns in the fire just ends up as coals, what floats on the water can sink like a stone." - Mirah

There is a place the human being can go, I don't like it even though I should. There are many ways of getting there but one, specifically, that I seem to fall into frequently. Life gives challenges at such time as to maximize effect (read: pain) on the animal. We only learn from necessity (read: survival). Frequently I find myself in the worst of all possible situations, possibly because I expect them. Last night one such incident  occurred.

*Fade in*

No, not now, not him. Do I really have to be social with this person? This person through no fault of his own could only have hurt me more if he had killed me dead. Smile, remember to smile, you can't crack now, you cannot fail. I know of him only through conversation. I've heard so many awful things about him what can I know to be true? Data, I need data. Here he is, standing there, so innocent. A man like any other, susceptible  to all the  failings of human kind. He looks a tad lonely, how ironic... "How are you doing? It's been a while..."

*Conversation flows*

This hurts more than I thought it would, which is funny because I thought it would kill me. He is so normal, so human. That which links us is brought up in conversation and I have to admit I was impressed with myself. In fact, I controlled the dialogue . As things progressed I was overwhelmed by how little my feelings really mattered. I knew that when all the drama was originally going down I had hidden my pain, apparently better than I knew. He had received everything I had yearned for and then threw it away. I shouldn't even be talking to him, I should be tearing him apart. It was then that I saw the Truth. My heart fell out of chest and I was empty, thankfully the bar was noisy and dark so my expression was hidden. Everything I had felt, all the pain, the loss, the anger and rage meant nothing. He was a man figuring life out as much as the next guy. He was able to have the one thing in the world that I desired and he threw it away. One man's trash is another man's treasure, apparently. I left the interaction finally, nursing my wounds and realizing that I didn't hate him. In fact, I actually loved him. It wasn't his fault that he received what I did not, that was just life. There was no malice or forethought in his actions. He may still be a small minded person but thats nothing to hold against him. So I left a little battered and bruised but no one the wiser. At some point I'm going to have to deal with the catalyst for this whole situation but for now I'll just lick my wounds.

*Fade out*